Random Stream of Nauseousness: My Name / by Brandon Clarke


That's Not Me

I might not be the Brandon James Clarke you're looking for.

About a month ago I had noticed through my website analytics that there had been a fair amount of traffic generated from the search query "brandon & james clark". I had initially thought nothing of it simply because my name isn't particularly original or unique. But as time passed the traffic increased -- and so did my curiosity.

It would appear as though my curiosity wasn't the only one being piqued.

I'll admit, I was a little bummed that there was a porno, a hardcore gay porno to be exact, that was bringing visitors (no doubt disappointed) to my website. It didn't help that the search descriptions were so ridiculously, albeit humorously, graphic. I'm haunted by the phase 'chub on cub action'.

But this got me wondering about all the other folks out there with Brandon, James and Clark(e) in their name combination. So I went a little deeper down the rabbit hole of Google search results.


Cool Dudes

The first couple of results didn't really blow my mind or anything. Just cool dudes who like to wear fedoras and quote lines from cinematic masterpieces like "TED".

I was probably more upset by the fact that these other Brandons were just so unimpressive than anything else. I was hoping to discover something that could top the fact that my names were being used in Chubs Hairy Bears XXX.  Granted, that was going to be a tall order.



Classy Guy

Then I came across this gem of a story from Kirksville, MO about a fella named James Brandon Clark. This fine gent was pinched by the fuzz for alleged robbery and resell of said stolen items.

Now I know that this doesn't sound like anything earth-shattering, and it's not. But this is one of those cases where the comments at the bottom of the story is more interesting than the article itself.

For whatever reason, this story incited some very passionate responses.

This one lady, Brit Heller, just couldn't reconcile with the fact that the reporter would dare use the term "native" in the title and body copy without being more specific about Clark's previous whereabouts. So much so she felt she needed to post about it twice. 



And then there's Viola Dixon.

Oh, my sweet sweet Viola. You were the pot of gold at the end of the internet rainbow.

One More Thing...

I'm currently taking doodle requests for Night Doodles. Go fill out the form HERE and see your doodle on the internet!